Therefore, as it is written: “Let the one who boasts boast in the Lord."It seems like after finding out I was pregnant with our first child, I had a fear of failure hanging over me. Feelings of inadequacy and thoughts like, "What if we screw this kid up?" crept in many times over the years. Over time, God has given me a peace about it. Not that we'll do everything perfect, or that they'll be perfect or turn out just like I want them to, but that if I pursue godliness for myself and for my kids, God will be faithful to guide and direct our steps. He has, in fact, been faithful to do just that, and based upon past experience, I can only conclude that He will continue in His faithfulness. Afterall, who wants our kids to be godly adults more than God, Himself?
The faithful love of the LORD never ends! His mercies never cease.There have been many questions we've asked God to answer for us. "Which doctor is trustworthy? Which babysitter? Is it really okay to put them to sleep on their belly? Is it really okay to put them to sleep on their back? Do we spank? Do we make them do chores? What age is okay to spend the night with friends? Do we give them an allowance? Do we homeschool? How do we homeschool? How do we keep them safe?" Time after time, God has answered our questions and put our minds and hearts at ease when we've been afraid of taking the next step - afraid of messing up.
Lately, the kids have been in rare form. Bickering has been at an all time high and egos and bad attitudes seem to be bursting at the seams! Last week I was once again, questioning God. "Are you sure we're supposed to homeschool? Have I taught them anything good?" I went to a place lower than I had been in a while. To make it worse, these things weren't just happening at home. Nothing stings worse than open sin. It's easy to spot sin at home and deal with it before anyone knows about it. When they choose to sin in front of people, it can quickly become about the embarassment instead of the sin. After 14 years of parenting, this is still a challenge for me.
Knowing that tribulation produces perseverance; and perseverance, character; and character, hope. Romans 5:3-4
Two weeks ago, at a bible study, while laughing with some women about R's odd sense of humor (he's just like his dad), G ended up making a hurtful comment to me, calling me 'critical' - in front of several people. I laughed it off, but I was hurt and she would later get a lecture I'm sure she won't forget soon (unless, of course, she zoned out!). It was apparent, after talking to her that she didn't intend to hurt me, she just spoke before she thought - something I'm guilty of often. Quite frankly, her words weren't nice - but they were true and I needed to hear them. God has spoken to me through my kids many times.
After praying about it, speaking with her and then sharing what happened with Glen, I dropped it. I chalked it up as a learning experience and I left it alone. Last week, however, someone who witnessed "the incident" brought it up. I was mortified! The same feeling of embarassment came over me that had the week before. I immediately started thinking bad thoughts. "What am I doing? I'm a horrible parent! Why am I a leader? I can't even lead my own kids!" Just when I was convinced God made a huge mistake by allowing me to be a parent, He began to show signs of growth.
Train up a child in the way he should go: and when he is old, he will not depart from it.
Friday night, I had a leader's meeting for bible study and G was singing with the choir at the Homecoming game. I hated to miss it, but Glen and R were there. In typical teenage fashion, G asked to sit with friends after she was done singing. Later she shared with Glen that a friend of a friend came to sit with them and began cussing - "the really bad words!". When Glen asked what she did, she said she told her, "Hey, I don't talk that way!"
Since allowing her to attend school a few hours a day, I've wondered how she would react in situations just like this. I know she's far from perfect, especially in my critical eyes, but God is working in her. She has always had a boldness about her, and still does when dealing with me, but I haven't seen that in a while in her friendships. God allowed me to see that He's refining her, but not removing those qualities. Speaking boldly to me has gotten her in trouble more than a few times, but if I give her a safe place to be bold (as long as she's respectful), then she's more likely to speak boldly when she's away from me.
Instead of playing in our town, R played soccer in a nearby town this year, with brand new coaches and brand new teammates. He was so nervous on his way to his first practice, his hands were shaking! The season has been wonderful! They haven't won a game yet (there are 2 left), but we've seen him step up and be a leader on the team - and his gift of encouragement shines on the field! He's the first to give a "great job!" or "nice shot!" to a teammate. I've seen God stretch him this season, but use him as well.
Last week we received a call that R had made the allstar team. He's made the allstar team for several years in our town, but playing in a new town in front of all new faces, we warned him to not get his hopes up. When the call came, we were all so proud of him! Even G was yelling out, "Awesome!" and giving high fives! When Glen spoke to the coach, he said, "We've taken notice of R. He's a fantastic goalkeeper." Words that would swell any dad's chest. What an honor it is to be recognized for being good at what you love to do! While we were excited for him, we were quick to warn him of the dangers of pride.
While we're proud of him for his accomplishments, perhaps the best words came today. I took R to his first allstar practice and after meeting the coach, was told, "R is a very hard worker. He has outstanding character on the soccer field." I thanked him, then immediately gave thanks to God for His faithfulness. God is faithful to show us where He's working when we ask. Just when I allowed myself to think God wasn't working, He proved again that His work isn't evident overnight. Thankfully He allows mistakes and He works through imperfect people like us.
Just to keep me humble and prove to me that the work is His and not mine, as soon as we got in the car, R was in a terrible mood and wouldn't speak almost our entire 45 minutes home. In my mind I was thinking, "If only that coach could see you now!" God was gracious enough to allow this episode to be private. He is faithful!
Cast all your anxiety on Him because He cares for you.
1 Peter 5:7
It's silly to think I could do more for my kids than the Holy Spirit, but keeping the responsibility resting entirely on my shoulders instead of giving it to God is, in effect thinking just that.
Parenting isn't for wimps! Some weeks (or months) feel like a roller coaster ride with lots of hills, valleys and sharp turns. Then there are periods of what feels like running in place - lots of energy spent, but no ground gained. It's also not meant to be done alone, in our own strength. Knowing that God is directing each step is the only thing that makes it worth while. Only He can see the finish line. He is faithful! We just have to keep the goal in mind and daily surrender ourselves to Him and His plan for our lives and the lives of our kids.