~tough decisions~

Let me start this post exactly like I started the last one:  This week has been a tough week.  I don't know what else to say.  I've been dealing with a "situation" for quite a while that reared it's head again this week.

Three years ago this month, my favorite lady in the entire world died.  My grandma was the only person I really ever wanted to grow up to be like when I was a kid.  She was sweet and kind and always had a smile on her face, plus her fried chicken and mashed potatoes were out of this world! 

After her funeral, we received a rather hateful letter from a mentally ill relative attacking Glen, and though some of what he said can be attributed to the fact that he was grieving, most was just an outlet to spew hate.  He said very hurtful things to Glen regarding his ministry, saying he was hypocritical because he hadn't consoled him at the funeral.  Umm - he was consoling me and our kids (who were 8 and 10 years old).  My gut reaction was to fire a letter back defending my husband, but Glen asked me not to - it would only fuel the fire.  A few weeks later, we received another one.  This one was worse and he even threw in a few curse words for flavor.  Again, I didn't reply.  Over time, with much prayer, I forgave him, though he never asked for it or gave an apology.  Though I forgave him, I knew we couldn't open ourselves up to that kind of abuse again.  Even if he has a mental illness.  Somehow for three years I have avoided being around him, but this weekend was my cousin's wedding. 

A few days before the wedding I received a private message from him on Facebook that simply said, "hi".  When I realized he was on Facebook, I was immediately overcome with anxiety.  He would definitely ask to be my friend.  What do I do?  This would open me up to his comments anytime he had a whim to leave one - no matter how angry or depressed he may feel at the time.  I simply replied, "hi!".

I tried to be cordial at the wedding.  I waved and said hello.  I smiled from afar, but I didn't speak privately to him.  Immediately after the wedding I stood outside of the church talking to family I hadn't seen in years, while he waited in a car to be driven home.   In my head I went back and forth between wanting to reconcile and wanting to make sure I protect my husband.  I had pretty much decided I would try to be Facebook friends and see how it works out.  After all, he had behaved at the wedding and I could always delete him later.

When I came home after the wedding, I had two messages from him - and a friend request.  The first message simply said that the wedding was beautiful, it was good to see me and he wished we had gotten a chance to talk.  The second message was sent exactly one minute after the first and it said, "Have you ever heard of reconciliation?  Or forgiveness?".  That's all.  Nothing else.  No apology.  Not asking for reconciliation or forgiveness, but have I ever heard of it?....

Immediately I knew this "friendship" could not work out.  Though I love him and only want the best for him, I must decline for now.  I don't make this decision lightly, and I've prayed diligently over this matter.  He is a Christian and has many Christian friends.  Hopefully he'll find what he needs in those relationships.
I have always been a defender of this relative and his many "moods" - even before I knew it was mental illness. After working at a mental health center, I grew to understand a little more about his illness, but I must confess, it's still a mystery to me. 

In the ministry, you become a target.  People hold you up on a pedestal and expect you to be perfect and accomplish things no one else can, then they say and do hurtful things when you can't.  I was reminded last week that my confidence is in Christ alone, but also how important it is to place yourself around people who believe that very thing. When you start doubting your call or where God has you, Christian friends will encourage you and lift you up, reminding you where your strength comes from.  "Enemies" will remind you just how incapable you are to complete any task, much less those of Christ, until you doubt you were ever called in the first place.   I only have Christ to model my life after and it's clear that while He ministered to many people from many walks of life, His friends that He surrounded Himself with were like-minded with the same focus.

I'm sure this isn't goodbye forever.  I've realized that though Facebook is wonderful for connecting with people and keeping in touch, I don't think it's the way to go in this situation.  Eventually I'll be open to other forms of communication like letter writing,  but just not eager to get knocked down again so quickly.

Tough decision?  Yes.  The right decision?  Only God knows for sure.

Blessings,

~growing pains~

This week has been a tough week.  Not like you would think.  Not much different than usual, except unusually spiritually and emotionally tough. 

Last week was our first week at Bible Study Fellowship and it was wonderful.  It's always good to come back after summer break and grow in God's Word with other women.  This year we're studying Isaiah, a new study that they haven't done before.  I was so excited to get my first lesson last Saturday morning at leader's meeting.  Usually I come straight home and read the notes, but it was a busy day so I waited until Sunday evening.  One of the first things the notes mentioned was that tradition says that Isaiah was "sawn in two in a tree he had taken refuge in."  Really?  That's when the weight of the book hit me.  Not that I haven't respected God's Word before, but I've heard of the deaths of the New Testament writers.  I honestly hadn't heard this one before, and if this is a man who is willing to hide in a tree and be sawn in two to pass on God's Word.....well, I'd better listen to him! 

That night I dreamed of being chased through a forest and taking refuge in a tree.  I wasn't sawn in two in my dream (thank goodness), but I woke up with a real sense of fear.  I laid awake for a very long time honestly pondering whether or not to continue in the study of Isaiah.  It seems silly, but I really wanted to just meet with God everyday, meet with women every week - no drama.  After sleeping on it, I came to my senses and realized that simply meeting with God without "drama" probably equals no growth, as well.

I began to pray that God use this study of Isaiah to grow me (which should have been my prayer all along), but really had, and still have no idea what that means.  All week I've thought of that dream and what it might mean.  After reading Isaiah chapter 1 and reading about the corrupt leaders and national sin, I began to ask myself if I would be willing to speak Truth so boldly that I would have reason to fear for my life.  Would I?  I probably won't be put in that position, but what if God called me like He called Isaiah?  No matter what the cost.  It's a matter of life and death - either mine or the nation's. 

Last night as I finished up my lesson and homiletics, God grabbed me this time and wouldn't let go.  I had saved a question from a previous day.  Not recommended, but it seemed like a heavy question for the day it was given.  God knew when I would need it.  The question was, "List specific situations of oppression and injustice and ways you can help."  Easy enough, right?  I began making the list, but God kept bringing other ministry ideas to mind.  I realized quickly that this list is endless!  As I read over the list, I realized that even though everything listed was dear to my heart (AIDS orphans, domestic violence, human trafficking, world hunger, providing clean water to areas of the world without it, helping with financial hardships for single or widowed parents....), I knew anything I've ever done hasn't even put a dent in the need.  And I hadn't even finished the list, I just ran out of room.  This list could go on and on.  I wept.  Not just a little.  As Glen was studying at the church and the kids were in bed, I sat by myself on my bed and wept over the list God had given me.  I texted Glen, "I quit.  This is too hard!"  He replied, "WOW, must be a tough study!"  Yes, but after much pleading with God, He spoke to my heart..."Isn't growth tough?"

I don't know if God was testing me to make sure I'm ready for the ride, or if Satan was wrestling with me so I would quit.  Whichever isn't important, only that I'm not quitting. 

I spoke with Glen today about how burdened I am and we agree that our family has to do more.  How much more is yet to be revealed by God.  I don't know what He has planned for our family through the study of Isaiah, but I know I can't quit now.  I'm so pumped!

Blessings,

~bad habits and busyness~

I've developed a new bad habit.  Actually, I'm not even sure I can call it that.  You decide....

We homeschool our kids, so life has gotten busier in the last few weeks since school began.  Gone are the lazy days of summer (Ha! As if....).  We're back to business (or should I say busyness?).  While I would like to tell you how organized and efficient I am as a wife and mom, I'd be lying.  I am the type of person that works better from a list - but most days I can't even find it!  Lately I've been known to have 3 or 4 partial lists, because I've misplaced the previous ones!  This is so frustrating!  I'm not really sure how it happens.....it just does.  (That sounded so much like my ten year old son!)  My husband thinks I'm crazy.  Oh, he doesn't say it, but the look on his face says it all.  It's not uncommon for him to be going through the mail or a book and find one of my lists - from weeks or even months prior!  No kidding!

Recently I've added a new bad habit, though.  My laundry room is all the way in the back of my house.  Out of the way, which is good.....and bad.  My laundry routine lately is to:

1. Take the clothes out of the dryer and put them in a basket. 

2. Put the clothes from the washer into the dryer and start the dryer. 

3. Start the water in the washer along with a capful of liquid detergent (so that the detergent is dilluted by the time I get the clothes into the washer.)

4. Leave laundry room with intentions of collecting dirty clothes from our bedrooms.

5. Bring basket of clothes from the dryer into the living room to fold, then put away. 

6. Forget all about the fact that the washing machine is filling up and proceed with other duties. 

7.  Go to sleep and wake up.  Begin again at #1 - only to realize the soapy water has been sitting in my washing machine overnight! 

Ewww!  There is no way I am washing clothes in that water!  I am wasting so much water......and soap!  I'm trying to remember to take a basket of clothes with me when I first go to the laundry room - but I'm finding it hard to change my ways!  Am I going crazy?  Please tell me I'm not the only one that's this forgetful!

Blessings,

~passing on a post~

Just wanted to share my husband's latest blogpost.  It's not often that he blogs, so I like to pass it on when he does:)  Enjoy!

http://pastorglenc.blogspot.com/2010/09/barlow-girl-is-all-woman-christian-rock.html

Blessings,

~don't cry over broken.....glass?~

We have a neighbor who's a young mom of two.  She's in the process of a divorce and she's recently gone back to school.  I know she must be exhausted, but I usually can't think of many ways to help.  Since we homeschool, I don't have much free time to give.

Last week, she was mowing her lawn and her mower broke mid-lawn.  There was just this giant square of tall grass in the middle of her front yard.  I felt so bad for her, but thought her dad would help her out.  A few days later, Glen offered to mow it for her on Friday when he mowed ours.  What an opportunity to teach our kids to reach out.  I was so proud of Riley!  While Glen used the weed-eater, Riley mowed her lawn.  Everything was going just as Glen had planned, until a stick or rock flew up and busted out the back windshield of my car. 

Uggh!  What are you gonna do?  Right after our discussion about the money we need to put back for our trip to Chicago in November (for my brother's wedding), and the shower I'm giving his fiance in October, and well, let's not forget Christmas......BAM!

The hardest part was the initial conversation.  I heard Glen tell Riley to wait on the porch and "whatever you do, don't come in."  As he began to tell me the story of what happened, I jumped to conclusions and thought Riley was hurt.  I began to tear up, only to find out it was only the window.  I think that may have been his plan:)

Glen cleaned up the glass and covered the opening as neatly as he could with a trash bag (until we bought a drop cloth, which was much better) and bright green tape (Hey!  It's what we had!).  I wasn't embarrassed (okay, maybe a little),  but it was so annoying.  It was really noisy and every time I picked up speed, it inflated like a parachute!

Monday morning, I was taking Grayson to orchestra class at the junior high and we couldn't hear each other over the racket in the back!  I said, "I'm really sorry about this Grayson.  I know it's embarrassing to be dropped off with a trash bag on the window."  Words cannot begin to describe my feelings regarding her reaction.  She said, "Why would I be embarrassed?  This is just life, Mom.  No biggee".  What did she say?  Are you kidding me?

Glen and I talked about her reaction and he said, "Would you have been embarrassed at her age?"  I don't know.  I hope not, but I see so much shallowness on television, that I guess I made the assumption that she would be.  Shame on me! 

The neighbor bought our family pizza for helping her!  What a blessing!  The window was fixed yesterday, and even though I would rather have not spent the money on a new window, we got a good deal on it (Thanks, God) and I learned a little something about my daughter - and me.  Lessons don't come cheap around our house:) 

Blessings,

~slipping away~

 I know, I know!  It's been FOREVER since I've posted a blog!  My summer was packed with activity!  Grayson and Riley both played ball, which led into all-stars.  Never have they both made an all-star team at the same time.  I'm thankful they did, but I'm also thankful it doesn't happen often:)


In the last few weeks I have searched my heart and searched God's Word for answers for fears I've been having.  I have felt inadequate in several areas.  As a mom, I'm sometimes pulled in several directions, headed in every direction- except the direction I feel I should be. We started school today and I don't have everything planned out like I want it.  This will inevitably lead to being unorganized.  I have unfinished projects, the laundry's not caught up, the dog needs a bath, etc.

As I searched for what was bothering me, I realized I had been feeling anxious for a while.  Probably months.  I love homeschooling my kids, but can I really do as good as the school?  (God quickly gave me a situation to relate to with a definite answer - YES!)  I think my fears are coming from the fact that Grayson is turning 13 in a few weeks.  Why am I stressing over a number?  It seems like only yesterday I was singing to her in my belly, but 13 years?  Wow!  I started to feel as if I've lost control and time is slipping away. 

There is a verse I use with a friend who has a son with chronic health problems.  Philippians 4:6. "Do not be anxious about anything, but in everything, by prayer and petition, with thanksgiving, present your requests to God.."  So I did.  Another verse God led me to was Matthew 6:34.  "Therefore do not worry about tomorrow, for tomorrow will worry about itself. Each day has enough trouble of its own."   Why am I finding this so hard?  The more stressed I became, the worse it got.  Suddenly I was convinced that my sweet little girl would be caught up in all kinds of trouble - just like you see in the movies...or worse!  As I sought an answer from God, he quieted me with the reality that nothing will go as I have planned, but He is faithful and He has a plan for her.  Thank goodness I'm not in control!  As long as I'm resolved to teach her and continue to lead her to Him, I should have no worries.  Not that she will have a perfect life with no problems, but that she will learn to lean into Him when she struggles, just as He has taught me to do.

I'm looking forward to her teenage years!  There.  I said it.   She is beautiful and smart and compassionate and loving.  She's loud and fun and spontaneous!  I'm excited for the years that await!  How tall will she be?  Who will she marry?  Will she have children?  How many?  Will she work outside the home or stay home with them?  Will she homeschool them?

She has kept me on my knees all of her life, and I'll continue to pray for her....that's what mom's do:) But I will take every day as God gives it...one at a time.



Blessings,

~is it okay for mom to go to work?~

Just saw this shared on Facebook and I thought it was a good description of my beliefs as well. Please don't take offense if you're employed full-time -I used to be also. I think Proverbs 31 describes a woman who is willing to do whatever it takes to help her family, but her family is her PRIORITY. I simply couldn't keep my family as my priority when I worked full time.

Blessings,